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Daily Bugle: Qualfyings

Tomorrow is the first day of the Qualifying exams (for those not taking A maths and Economics). Its BM and Maths Exams. I'm fucking worried.

I've been practicing everyday in my maths past year paper. When I check them, I keep getting wrong answers and a hell load of mistakes! I never reach above 70% and  this depresses me. I'm so doomed if I keep this up.

Oh wells, Good luck to everyone.

-Sam
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What celebrity would play you in the movie version of your life?

Myself!

Come on, ask me something xD

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Evening Edition: The Incomplete Biography of Sammie Cho.


I’m born in to this world to grow up in a not-so-musical family. Like everybody else, I went to school, I played, I read books, I cried. I was an ordinary kid. There was something about me though; I was a person who was musically illiterate for so long. Just because you played piano, it doesn’t mean you aren’t music illiterate.
Before the age of 12, my Primary school taught basic music theory, which I hated. We learnt note names and the basic structure of musical notation. At the age of 9, my mom would teach me piano everyday with a broken keyboard whose speakers only lasted about half an hour. My mother used to be educated in piano, but she has stopped for a very long time.
She made me play the keyboard everyday and I found no joy in a broken toy. It was absolutely boring and I thought I never wanted to touch it again. But either ways, because of that, I still knew what the piano keyboard was like. And so my mother stopped having me to practice what I didn’t enjoy and I stopped for about two years, occasionally playing it for the sake of ridiculing the poor condition of the keyboard.
When I was induced in to secondary school, it was the turning point of my life. The nerdy, introverted, shy and quiet, musically oblivious and very not cool Sam was about to change in the following years. I haven’t played piano for two years already.
It was my first few sets of friends, my classmates that introduced music to me. Here’s the story.
One night, I was listening to the local station and the song ‘Apologize’ by One Republic was being played. I loved the song for the piano and I asked my mother what the title was. Being equally musically oblivious, my mother said ‘Justin Timberlake’. It quickly became my favorite song. When my new friends, Kelvin and Yousof, told me that it wasn’t by Justin Timberlake, but by One Republic. I couldn’t believe it! That day, I quickly went home and searched it up. Along with the proper title, I found the sheet music to the song and a few piano covers on the Internet.
I dished out the ridiculous keyboard and tried it out. Everyday I kept trying to relearn what I’ve known and kept trying to play it. A few weeks later, I got it! Seeing this, my parents decided to buy a better keyboard. It still had no brand but was acceptable. From that day, I searched for famous pop songs and looked for the sheet music to learn. I’ve probably learned a lot already. I told my parents I wanted to learn piano and they decided on it.
Before buying me a real piano, they bought me an electric piano. A yamaha Clavinova as it was called. With new equipment, I improved a lot and my parents, seemingly musically unable to tutor me, sent for what was to be called an Audition in Expression music school.
So the day came for the audition and I was in the office of a woman by the name of Lily Chiam. Her daughter, sitting near the piano mumbling a lot of things I could not have understood yet. I was only 12. I played for her my favorite song, Apologize. She told me I had the potential and she had put me in Grade 4. She corrected every single thing I’ve learnt by myself and with that, I began to play better, and better, and better with each passing day.
That was officially the day; I started playing the Piano and not the keyboard.
I found love in music and playing the piano and all I wanted to do was play the piano. But of course, being the kid I am, I sometimes am admittedly too lazy to practice.
At the age of 14, I completed grade 8 piano exams with Trinity Guildhall with a distinction. It was a record, two years of piano studies to achieve a piano grade 8.
My story is not complete; this was only my baby step to playing the piano. What is to come is far bigger and my journey has yet to start. I know the risks of a musical career and I know how difficult it is. I’m already ready to face the risks mentally.
This is how I’ve come to play the piano.
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Evening Edition: LIST

 I some how decided to post a list of my favorite musics. And it's quite alot. -Sam


Rachmaninoff
Vocalise in E flat minor
Cello Sonata Op 19
Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini Op.43
Piano Concerto No.1
Piano Concerto No.3 Op.30
Russian Rhapsody

Scriabin
Etude Op8 -5 , Op8-3, op8-6 Op8-12

Mendelssohn
Song without words Op 19-1, Op19-5, Op19-6
Piano Concerto No.1
Piano Concerto No.2
Scherzo in E minor
A midsummer's night dream, The wedding march


Brahms
Violin concerto
Intermezzo Op.118-1 , Op.118-2
Rhapsody G minor Op79-2
Rhapsody G minor Op118-3
Piano Concerto No.2
Rhapsody on A theme by paganini Op.35

Piazzolla
Street Tango
Libertango
Oblivion
Adios nonino
Invierno Porteno
Celos

Bach.J.S
Toccata in E minor
Sicilliene BWV 1031
Prelude  and Fugue no 2 BWV 847
Prelude and Fugure no 6 BWV 851

Beethoven
Sonata No.8 Op13 'Pathetique'
Sonata No.14 Op.27-2 'Moonlight
Sonata No.17 Op.31 'The Tempest'
Sonata No.32 Op.53 'Waldstein'
Sonata no.23 Op.57 'appassionata'
Symphony No.7 op.92
Piano Concerto No.3

Tchaikovsky
Piano Concerto No.1
Violin Concerto in D major
Sleeping Beauty
Swan lake
March of the Nutcracker
Sugar plum Fairy
Barcarole Op37-6

Debussy
Clair De lune,
Petite Suite
Reverie
Arabesque
La fille aux cheveux de lin

Liszt
Hungarian Rhapsody 2
Consolation 3
Liebestraume 3
La Campanella
Transcendental Etude S 139-2
Piano Concerto 2
Mephisto Waltz No1

Schubert
Impromptu D899 Op90-3 , Op90-4
Impromptu D935 Op142-2

Dvorak
Symphony 9

Mozart
piano Concerto No 20 K466
Piano Concerto No 23 K488
Sonata for 2 Pianos K448
Ah Vous Dirai Je maman
Sonata in D k 284
Symphony No.40 K550
Piano Sonata in A k331
queen of the night aria

Faure
Elegy op24
Nocturne no1 op33-1

Gershwin
An american in paris
Rhapsody in Blue
3 preludes for the piano
Piano Concerto in F
Diabelli
Introduction and Rondo Op.151-4

Grieg
Piano Concerto in A minor
Nocturne Op.54-4
To The Spring Op43-6
Wedding Day at Troldhaugen Op65-6

Chopin
Ballade No1,2,3,4
Etude Op10-1 Op10-2 Op10-3 Op10-4 Op10-5 Op10-8 Op10-12
Etude Op25-2 Op25-5 Op25-6 Op25-9 Op25-10 Op25-11 Op25-12
Fantasie Improptu Op.66
Nocturne op9-1 Op9-2
nocturne No.20 in C # minor
Piano Concerto No1
Piano Concerto No2
Polonaise No.6 Op.53
Prelude op28-1 Op28-8 Op28-10  Op28-11 Op28-12 op28-16 op28-24
Sonata No 2 Op.35
Waltz in C sharp Minor
Andante Spianato et Grande Polonaise Brilliante Op 22
Scherzo No2 Op.31
Ronda A la Krakowiak Op.14
Berceuse in D flat major

Saint Saens
Carnival of the Animals
berceuse

Satie
Je Te Veux
lere Gymnopedie

Paganini
Caprice no.1 , 10

Glass
Glassworks
In the upper room
Violin Concerto

Rubinstein
Melody in F op 3-1

Schumann
Traumereei Op.15-7

Tausig
Das Geisterschiff

Strauss
On the Beautiful Blue Danube

weber
Invitation to the Dance op.65
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Daily Bugle: A year older

Today,I turned 15. Well, not so special. 15 years ago my mother was in pain. I thank my parents for raising me up to this step and many more days to come.

Dave , Faddi and Jasilah shared the same birthday as me.

I'm really glad, some people actually remembered my birthday, WITHOUT facebook. While others don't remember my birthday. It's kind of a good way to separate good friends from just friends.

LEE . yesterday he gave me a bunch of chocolates, like he has always did. Today, he presented me with a Phillips light weight headphone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all this time he tried to care. Honestly, I have nothing in return. I have no money, I have nothing , I just know how to play piano. So if you're reading this, thank you very much Lee.

SHEENA. She bought me edible gifts. Chocolates and Cola Drops. How magnificent.

CHARLENE. She got me a wrist bangle. A starry eccentric bangle. Excellent.

Gifts don't matter to me, what matters actually, is if you care or not.

-Sam
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Good morning: Recital

This would be the how many time'th for me to perform. I've performed quite alot of times and I can't say I'm 'looking forward' to this. The importance of this recital hasn't hit me yet. I know why it's important, I just don't feel it. I have this 'give up' feeling .

But I should focus. I should not let my mind wander. With technology this generation, we've grown to be so different. Different from our parents , I think selectively, this generation would face the most trouble. It's just a guess, but I think so.

I should keep going on. With strength .

-Sam
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Evening Edition : JUMP OF A MOTHERFUCKING CLIFF

The computer project's driving me to the edge. We have a really useless teacher. Well, I can't say I blame him, BUT HE"S SHORTENING THE DEADLINE TO GO ON A VACATIONAL LEAVE. He's mad when we ask him simple questions, JUST ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION.

What makes it  a double disappointment is that my sister's boyfriend , Haizam. That rude ass mother fucker can go home and suck his mother's tits till her learns his manners back. Drinking redbull and acting drunk, who dyou think you are?? Jump of a cliff  for that bitch.

On the other side :

I look amazing. How vain can I be? Well, I guess thats my self confidence. I have a solo recital on Sunday at 4.15 pm. I've invited well,

  1. Christian
  2. Yousof
  3. Matthew
  4. Lee
  5. Sheena
  6. Christy
  7. Charlene
  8. Laila
  9. Lyana
  10. Lydia
  11. Sarah
  12. Aizzah
That much people. Its not a SOLO recital and I'm occupying that much space. There's that guilty-ness tho. Oh wells, we're having dinner after wards.

-Sam
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Going to a cafe or going to a movie?

It depends. If I'm on my own, I'd go to a movie. If I was with friends, I'd go to a cafè

Come on, ask me something xD

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Are you an optimistic?

I'm realistically optimistic.

Come on, ask me something xD

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Would you say that you think too much?

I think so

Come on, ask me something xD

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Have you ever made someone really happy?

I'm not sure. I know I've made someone really really sad before.

Come on, ask me something xD

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What is your guilty pleasure?

Hmm, I love going out in the morning (2 AM ) for a stroll sometimes. I'm not allowed to go out. So is that counted?

Come on, ask me something xD

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Guns or Arrows?

Guns ofcourse :P

Come on, ask me something xD

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What's the craziest thing that happens in your hometown?

I don't wanna say...

Come on, ask me something xD

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What do you think would happen if apes took over? #apeswillrise

We ARE apes.

Come on, ask me something xD

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Daily Bugle: 8th wonder of the world

So many hours of fixing up her blog (click here) paid off. She is using it and I'm not using it. Well, that is success right? Anywayss...

After partying really hard, I feel like studying really hard. I even deactivated facebook for the sake of studying hard.I still feel a little lazy tho. If it doesn't takes time, then I'm shutting down and locking my computer.

The worst thing about being sick, is being sick and tired. Nothing can beat being sick and tired when you're sick.

-Sam
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Good morning: Firdaus 17

Last evening, I've attended "New York Young Socialites". Firdaus's 17th birthday party at orchid garden. IT was one hell of a party. There were atleast 100 people there and all of them were looking hot and sharp. There were Firdaus's Moustachios, the 11b's and the ex8b's ,his family and more.

I arrived there around 6.30 with Yousof,Paul,Matt. I supplied them ties along with Ishamar,Zimi,Jonathan and Gerard. I'm the tie supplier~

The food there was quite okay. Before the buffet started, Kelvin spilt a cup of coke all over the table. Well it was okay, it didn't hit anybody. After a couple of performance numbers (nugge sage was awesome. Firaz was extremely cute) , came the disco time!

Lemme tell you what dancing really is. Party style that is, it is jumping up and down doing crazy stuff with your friends. It doesn't matter what you do,how you look, as long as you were having fun. So we jumped up and down for a whole hour and more. Today my legs are really sore and its probably the same for the others. But hey, My flu's gone away.

Firdaus's cakes werent' actually cakes. They were cup cakes stacked to look like a mountain. His candles, weren't actually candles, They were more like mini sparklers. Overall, YOU will never have such a birthday party like that in Brunei . Unless you have a lot of money in your pocket.

This is the last birthday party we will attend this year. For us 11B's , its time for our O'levels. I'm going to Singapore next year, maybe Firdaus will invite me again. Well, next party is Prom, but this one, was amazing.

-Sam
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Evening Edition : Every body loves me

I've been feeling very very awesome. Everyone's been really really nice. Lee and Christy has given me chocolates. Sheena and Charlene has been giving me really cute smiles everday. Girls seem somewhat nicer. I don't know, maybe the world does have something to offer after all.

I've found my self confidence back. I maybe more arrogant now. I don't know, that's just me. EVERYBODY loves me. That's my mentality. I don't know, I Just feel so awesome.

I've been having my own mind now. Tho stress is coming out (thank god I've left alot of space for it). I"m ready , I'm really ready. I'm just going to show the world who I really am. Studies, piano. I can handle it.

-Sam
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Daily Bugle: Not again

Everytime I see this blog update thing, I just get really really lazy to blog. It's like, I've settled everything I want to say in my mind, prepared to type it out  and when this page loads, everything just falls to the drain. Oh wells, atleast its not happening now. I'm updating aren't I?

I also get really annoyed with the red underlined words in my text editor. It's spelt correctly but why the fuck is it still red lined? Same goes to the green lines. Its grammatically correct but its still greenlined. I don't mind purple lines. Their cool, have you ever seen purple lines?

I guess you're reading this not for me ranting,but for me to say something interesting. I guess the main reason I got over Pauline real quick, is because of another girl. She's been there no matter what, and I kinda miss that feeling. To be cared for day and night. She also makes me smile and brings light into  my life. Well, I've been wanting that months before my relationship ended. I guess I found it. But I just don't know if I should go ahead and take hold of the chance. I've learnt to see endings before the beginning starts. Honestly,  I don't know how this would end if it started. All I can say is, it would be alot and alot of problems in the beginning. She's like sunshine that surrounds me. Tho she's overseas currently, I just feel this really strong connection.

I don't think anyone reads this blog anyways. I'm coming to feel I have a sense of direction in life now after the ending. I feel more awesome. No really. I feel much more at ease than before. And my worry list has just been lifted.

Maybe things in life are starting to get together for my side. I've always been treated unfairly from the start. Maybe its my turn to get my fair share. I don't know,maybe its just a start for me to fall real deep. But it doesn't matter, now I"m ready for whatever that comes my way. I'll catch anything thrown.

-Sam
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Evening edition: Back in the game

That's right, I'm back in the game. Since June 21st. I'd thought I'd let everyone know that its official. Me and Pauline has just ended for reasons I will not disclose.

I would generally expect a really hard time getting over this. But I think the present me has learnt to let go and be positive so much more then the past me. I also have to thank a lot of people, whose been there to support me and to cheer me up. I should thank Sheena wee and Charlene Lau for this really cute letter.

I would also like to thank Chen Ruoh Lin, for giving me support right from the start, till the end and till today. Basically, she has been a really good pain killer.

I would then like to thank my awesome peeps, who are too much to list. But you guys know who you are ;D


Don't worry guys, I'm shaken but I haven't fallen. I've never expected that, but it was imminent. Is it possible to say you didn't expect something you saw coming?

I just notice how everyone is so much nicer when you are in need. It really do comes to show how sometimes people are really taken for granted. Nevertheless, it feels good to be cared once in a while.

It's been my fondest memory, but it's time I let it go. I don't need it anymore.

-Sam

Ps. My blogskin just died. No ruler plate ):
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Evening edition: Consolations

So I've been recently too lazy to rant at all in My Indirect Proportions. It's supposed to be a scrapbook of all my thoughts. I've been reading through and its more crap than scrap. Well crap IS scrap right?

If you haven't already realize, LAZINESS KILL. It will one day kill each and everyone one of us lazy asses . I can't seem to stop being lazy. I've been sentenced to laziness. But I've finally got enough will power to push it aside for awhile.

I find myself rather similar to Franz Liszt.Don't get me wrong, I mean not in a sense of virtuosity. I mean in a sense of life. He loves a woman who doesn't love him back. He believes if what he plays comes out from the heart, it sounds good no matter how dissonant it is. He daydreams alot. He breaks a lot of rules. He depicts himself as a rockstar. I really really idolize Franz Liszt. I can't imagine the sense of virtuosity just thinking about what it's like to sit all day composing in a room.

Well, I couldn't imagine,because I haven't imagined. I've been thinking alot. Thinking of all the same stuff. BUT in new light. There is always things you can never see the same way again, if you see it in a new way. That's exactly what I did. And most of the dark thoughts went away. It gave me new strength.

Lemme tell you, 5 slices of pizza, 5 pieces of chicken, two cups of fizzy drinks,one cup of root beer float. Recipe for bloatiness. I've never seen yousof THAT bloated before.

I really have nothing much to say. Notice this post has been written in paragraphs. Each paragraph is a different story. Its up to you how the whole thing is connected. But it IS connected.

-Sam

I won't be posting Ophelia anymore. Because it has been posted in here.
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Evening edition: Back in Brunei

A detailed account of the events following from Friday 4th of June till today.

I woke up at 4 Am and as expected, the sky was dark. All luggage were prepared and we dressed up ready for the road trip to KK. My mind was still hazy and I was playing my Upright Piano for the last time I would in three days.

As we waited for my aunt to arrive and pick us up. Once here, we loaded the car and my dad took drivers seat. We were quickly on our way to KK.We first headed for the Kuala Lurah immigration and following a series of check points and towns. The sides were large barren greenlands and palm oil plantations could be seen everywhere. Occasionally there were tall hills or bleak stone and trees would dot it.

When we reached there, I stopped for practice. Shortly afterwards we headed to our hotel to check in.

You know what, this is crap, why go through all the trouble to tell you the trip??

I'll tell you, I was awarded a gold, a bronze and a silver. Sutera harbour is an amazing hotel! The view of the ocean was just too picturesque.

Today, for Sarjana got Talent, after a very last minute preparation for our presentation.Guess what? WE WERE CHAMPION.

That means. Pizza party!

-Sam 
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Daily bugle :mobile post

Yow people. Im off to kk. Like right now. So im just Blogging. I guess this post will end here.
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Evening Edition: About to leave

So I'm just packing up my stuff, on the way to leave for KK. It's a road trip, its going to be so long in the car. Fun part is I'm sharing car with cousins!

But going to be noisy as hell. We'll leave at 5.30 AM tomorrow (3rd of June).

I"m excited. Not a single hint of nervousness in me. I'm typically exited about this competition. I do not know why. I'll be missing some Sarjana got Talent rehearsals. But I can always improvise :P .

Anyways, I shall update when I am back!

The tenth verse of Ophelia:

 He wishes to know and wishes to hear,
what ophelia herself would try to say,
but all she would do was bring him to tears,
it doesn't matter to him for its a fair price to pay.

-Sam
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Night show: Trinity Awards

2.30 Pm @ Radisson Hotel

I sat in the section with others where the awardees were seated. I was awarded for having the Best Distinction in my Country. I was also asked to perform and I brought for them Beethoven's 3rd movement of his moonlight sonata.

I invited so many friends. When they arrived it looked like me personal fan group committee. Its great to have so many friends support you. I got to hang out with Christian after so long of not seeing him and the same was to Lyana. Who met another Liyana who came with a very sick Matthew. Who told Yousof to wear smart but he himself did not. Kelvin and Chaddy came and Sheena was sent to Radisson from my car. My cousin Fiona was there as well. 

I have to be honest. The piano was terrible. More terrible than the last time I went to play it. They still haven't plugged in the heater and the sound was more mellow than anyone could have thought possible. The more I listened, the more I wanted to play louder to play brighter. The more I did that, the more stressed my arms got and distracted my mind became. I managed to play the whole thing through anyways. The whole management could have been better. The arrangement of the instruments were bad, the sound system had faults and it even interrupted one of the performers!



I have to thank my friends and family for being present for this awarding ceremony. My parents, my sisters and others who have been constructively criticizing.

-Sam

The 9th verse of Ophelia:

Away from his friends, comforters and supporters,
his mind wander where ever he would let,
his own thoughts are the source of his torture,
but he didn't break, it was all inside his head.
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Daily Bugle: Nostalgia

Today just feels so cold. Its bleak and cold. Its so quite. Even with music on its like there's a deadly silence behind it.

It feels so nostalgic, its like I feel a blanket of my memories rounding me. Its hard to explain, there's unbelievable darkness to it. White darkness, like snow perhaps. Maybe its just the rain. Maybe the rain drives people mad. But this feeling is really peaceful.

Its almost as if its fully empty. Its a wholesome amount of empty. I just feel so empty. It's like everything inside of me, came out but doesn't know how to come back. I've never felt this weird before. It's chilly and is cold and its the best weather to give hugs. Serene,peace,emptiness,darkness and nostalgia is the mix of feelings I'm having now.

Sam

The eight verse of Ophelia:

And under the rose is where he's kept this,
the music he plays are evident of his  feelings,
the woman he hopes that he marries,
have become thoughts to him that are disturbing.
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At noon: Ophelia

I guess some people wonders who is Ophelia? What is Ophelia? Ophelia is the name of a particular rose that I particularly like. The reason why I love roses so much is because it represents someone. The connection is many. Ophelia is more likely a direct reference to her.



The seventh verse from Ophelia:


It was no surprise she made all men cry,
but the strongest of them all got to keep her as a prize,
to his mistake he's also just about to pry,
he's afraid that his loss would all again be reprised.
Sam
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Evening Edition: Peace


I noticed that compared to other countries, Brunei is a very peaceful and quiet country. Nothing much happens around here. Crime rate is low. But with booming technology, comes booming accident rates and death rates. Even with that, its hard to find a country as Peaceful as this. Our King, His majesty Sultan of Brunei , is an excellent leader. He has maintained this peace for us and subsidized many things such as fuel,rice,water,electricity,school fees and more for Bruneians AND residents.

But ofcourse, with a country like this, there are rules. Our country is a Monarch. There is a hierarchy of statuses and rankings , and regardless of age, one shows respect by kissing another s hand. Not literally kiss, you just bring it up to your head. The other day, I was at a junction circle in Gadong, the busy area in Brunei. Our roads were blocked for a few minutes and the King was escorted in his car with many Policemen. The last policeman, I assume chief, stopped to retrieve his walkie talkie from a traffic police. They trade smiles and the traffic police kissed the hand of the Chief Police. I come to wonder at great discipline Bruneian's have.

Now discipline brings about peace. Discipline to follow rules and be silent when needed. When you're silent, you think carefully and you listen more. When you think about absolutely nothing except for what you're doing, that's when you have found peace.

I came across this white mongrel. It was cute, laying on its side closing its eyes on the road. It has found peace, simply on the grey road cement.I wonder how it found peace so easily. These days, people struggle to be at peace. We're all restless with our works, studies, romance and social lives. We can't even have a second to stand and see where we're at now at such a busy world. Peace is not there anymore.


If one is deprived of peace, its like being deprived of sleep. Because with sleep, its confirmed, then peace is there. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever. That I didn't have to think. That everything was this relaxing. But reality is hard and true. That will never happen. Not once in your life will you get a chance to rest. Not once in your life will you get a chance to correct a mistake. But you are given many other chances to redeem mistakes, to learn from mistakes, to get over the past and find peace over it.

Sometimes, even when you've found peace. You become troubled at others. Why others have become restless. Why their sadness is contagious. Sometimes, people just want to make you mad. They just want to piss you off like its nobody's business. Just remember, you are the only one who has permission to make you feel bad for a day.
I guess after a thunderstorm, there is peace. But it takes time for a mess to be cleaned up. For a puzzle to be rearranged.

-Sam

The sixth verse of Ophelia:

For the amount of love you get,
you might get even more hurt,
just prepare and expect that she'd forget,
because in her heart, you don't know what lurks.
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Kristine Claire "Kay Cee" Galano

A young girl , 10 years of age. Extremely talented on the violin and is currently working to a diploma. ( remembered I said I went to watch her? Well I was sitting with her for theory today)

She has a dark complexion, Hispanic. She had thick lips and a slight over bite. She had a long face and tied back hair and she was rather thin. She had dark melancholic eyes and a button nose.

She had a smooth and angelic voice, just like her violin. I wonder if its something god did. She's  a very quiet girl and hardly smiles.

Sam.

The fifth verse of Ophelia:


Just like a rose, her thorns were many,
her beauty was also just as strong,
the resemblance of a rose was definitely quite uncanny,
but what she's done could be mistaken for wrong.
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Daily Bugle:Chapter four

The fourth verse from Ophelia:

There was a maiden by the name of Ophelia,
one could smell from her, the scent of roses,
such a lady found only maybe once a millennia,
perhaps she shouldn't be kept in the heart as closest.
Sam
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at noon: Thunderstorm

Last night, or more accurately early this morning, there was a huge thunderstorm. I've never seen one so big before. The lightnings has never been so bright. The thunder never been so loud. I know because, I'm never woken up by storms before. It caused my house to black out. The rain was so loud it's like it wanted to tear the house down.

The world is definitely dying already. Global warming has started to show. I mean, earthquakes nearly every week, tornadoes, typhoons and tsunamis. This five months has ended already with so many natural disasters. Our earth has to be saved. Saving the earth is like saving our future generations.

In cases of storms, its like a state when all's messy. Occasionally, everyone's minds has to have a thunderstorm. You know how the air is humid and still after a thunderstorm? Its like walking in the mist, when there is no mist. Anticipation for something worse is there. But what do we get in place? Sunshine.

When your mind's in a hurricane, you can only expect one thing back. Sunshine. Sometimes, I fail to tell myself that. I make myself believe that it will keep getting worse. Now its different. Now I go through storms just for the sunshine.

Sometimes, I write messily. Like a storm. But that's me, I'm a storm. I'll swipe you off your feet with what I can do and what I can say. Maybe what I'm trying to say is that everything has a bad side but not everything has a good side. Every good things has a bad side. But not every bad thing has a good side. I think I'll let you figure that out yourself.



The third verse from Ophelia.
The rose kisses with a piercing touch,
to get to the rose, you must fight its thorns,
but is it worth it with the task as such,
not to harm the rose to get treated with scorn.
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Daily Bugle:Raise your glass

The background music for 11B's ( my class) presentation on Sarjana got Talent is Raise your glass.

We had practice today and we spent two hours choreographing the first few seconds. I've absolutely no idea how we're going to finish on time. I'm playing the piano, so its easy. Our teacher literally blackmailed us. He threaten us not to advice us on our computer project (due on June) if we don't do our presentation.Its not even that important and it was optional in the first place. PLUS we would be expelled from the O'levels if we do not complete our computer project on time. Total bullshit right?

Oh wells , it was a fun thing anyways. My classmate wrote me a very cute apology letter today. I was even mad at him/her. But its so cute! I've no idea who gave me the letter.


Sam

And heres the second verse from Ophelia.

Just hang a rose on the door,
what happens inside, stays inside,
because its what secrets are for,
these are rules your must abide.
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Daily Bugle:Silence

This is a composition I wrote for my English Monthly Test. Its an essay about silence.

Silence, it's the state where nothing can be heard. Silence adds a layer of ambience to everything. When nothing can be said, silence is the only thing we can resort to. It has been said that 'Absolute silence leads to death.'. Between two persons, this is where the quote applies.

Silence is important in so many places. In classrooms, where an exam is held. In arguments, where one must submit. In music, where an anticipation is needed. Yet in other instances, silence is deadly. Like a viper slithering just before it takes takes its prey or in a relationship where neither communicates. Silence had been a great catalyst in so many places and a deadly acid in many others.

We all know Beethoven was a great classical composer. He was a virtuoso on the piano and skilled on the violin. He composed great music and revolutionized the structure of pieces. But seldom knows that Beethoven was deaf. The second half of his life was inaudible. He heard without hearing. On his premiere of his last piano concerto, he was deaf. Deaf, but not incapable. He conducted the whole piece through and in the end he heard none. Not a single applaud could be heard. But of course when he turned around, everyone present was giving a standing ovation. Beethoven immediately knelt and wept. If it not been for silence, it wouldn't strike Beethoven that music could be heard even in silence. It is proven again in a piece called '4"33'  composed by John cage. It features three movements of complete silence and the audience is forced to observe it. That in silence, the sound that is heard in the heart, is where music come from.

The greatest speakers in the world are ones that knows how to observe silence. Because it is only in silence where you can listen. It is only in silence where your thoughts are clear and flowing. But it is also in silence where one can over think. Paranoia and disturbing thoughts goes through the mind of a desperate man that hasn't seen his lover for days. Or seen his lover, but not said anything. What he sees, he loves, but what he hears, he fears. It is almost true that silence is darkness heard and darkness is silence seen. A blind man can read and a deaf man can hear. If this is true, it can be said one's life started in silence and ended in silence.

Silence is also controversial. There is no true silence as in silence, we can hear the wind or the ambience of a damp humid room. This redefines silence as a state where no noise was made. The funny thing about silence is that you can hear it. It's like saying you can hear nothing. To most, silence is nothing. To me, silence is where I can hear my deepest thoughts run, hear my deepest ideas move and hear my deepest faiths resonate. Silence is where I can find peace. I'm sure it can be said for others as well.

If I'm told to summarize about silence, there's one thing I music include. Like the earth connects everything indirectly, silence connects every sound. For every sound made, there is a consequent silence. Silence can be an answer to a question or it can be questioned. Silence is mysterious and plain, just like the blue sky we see everyday. But silence is far from dark because silence is one of the places where we can find enlightenment.
 I sometimes envy English teachers. They get to read so many compositions. They get a good laughs, an inspiring read even from bullshit stories.



I've written a poem with a hundred and one verses. It's titled Ophelia. Its just a poem I sketched. Maybe it refers to someone... maybe me?Maybe her? Maybe it's just a random poem.

For everything done in secret,
it goes under the rose,
with all your pride and regret,
it'll make sure it never shows.
 That's the first verse. I think I should post a verse a day. Maybe that'd be nice.

Oh and I painted something up recently. I've never painted with acrylic before. Well,I've only painted with water color before and that was long time ago!

 That's about it.

Sam.
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Good morning:Cough cough cough





Cough cough Melody. Are you sure you blocked me? Think again. I have ways :P. Becareful. Because  you have to be a good girl. And the Haizam guy? You ask him to becareful too.

Sam.
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Evening edition:The five values

So in school, we have this "Sarjana got Talent" show. Its obviously a talent show that is supposed to showcase the five values. These values are.

Respect

Teamwork

Honour

Initiative

Responsibility
I think its a rather good idea to hold up a talent show to showcase these values of each class. But it's difficult to have the whole class cooperate. Some might think its a bad idea. I disagree and think its a great idea.

Like the day when we had Free Day. It was Honor yourself day. I think it was a good idea. I understand why they're doing this. They being the government. I can see the next generation, they're lacking more and more of these values.

But its hard to find something that has all of these values. But I know there are people in this world that have all these. These are the people that fight for peace of the world. They are our soldiers.

(yes its call of duty)
They're all five of the above. I do think they need one more value tho.





One thing for sure, is that our class has this. I miss my old class yeah, but I'm loving this class. I love everyone I've encountered in my secondary life. In this short period of years, I've learnt alot. And its these people that changed me, molded me and improved me to who I am today. One of such thing is to teach me the difference between British and American English. (really?whats the difference?)

Our lives has been tagged with the  
OFFICIAL SEAL OF AWESOMENESS.

SAM
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Daily Bugle: Beautiful Nightmares

Maybe dreams were meant for something. Maybe inception really does exist. Maybe the one performing inception , is really yourself. Have you ever felt like you woke up, and you had all the spirit to do something? Maybe you dreamt. You dreamt big and you dreamt wide.



We're all living in a world of dreams. Your very footsteps could just be a dream. Sometimes, I think I'm in a dream and that I'll wake up soon. That everything is just in my head. But its not true. This world is real. And it doesn't revolve around my mind. My mind revolves around this world.

And then there are nightmares. Nightmares scare you. They drive you to run faster. They drive you to think harder. They drive you to be more reactive and alert. They torture you.

But when two things are falling apart, all you need is a catalyst, for one to go back to the other. When a relationship has a distant, the nightmare of damage is all that is needed. Having a nightmare of your loved one being hurt, is the worst memory you could ever bear.

I'm haunted. To see her cry and bleed, though it is not real. But it scares me. I'm never going to leave her. I'll always be there to protect her.  I have to. If you're reading this, Pauline, I love you and I really do. My first fear is losing you. Don't go.

-Sam
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Before sunrise:Musical mastery

Last monday, I went to watch a performance by a young girl called Kristine Clair or more affectionately known as KayCee.

She was playing the violin and was aged nine. Nothing surprising? She completed her grade 8 exams at the age of 7 with a distinction! Now that's a big one.

She played the Bach E major violin concerto for quartet and continuo. She had Kreislers Praeladium and some violin etudes. I should tell you its overwhelming.

For a nine year old to be able to be so in control of her tone. So stable and so clear with her violin. Its really amazing. The music touched me. I know it did.

It was held at the empire theatre. Not inside , just the foyer.Let me tell you just the foyer itself was quite big.



You learn a lot of things. With enough determination,passion and hardwork.  You'll reach the spot you want to be. I guess its only a matter of time. Honestly, I feel ashamed of myself to be playing the piano like how I am after watching her play the violin.It's just too awesome.

-Sam
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Daily Bugle:Lies

It would be simply lying to say you don't tell lies. Everyone , has their dark imaged covered and buried away with lies. What you see is just the lies that have been told. Lies are heard everyday. There's nothing wrong with lying ; unless. The lie hurts someone even in the slightest degree. Then lying is a sin.

If we were all truthful, we might not have friends. Even true friends like to believe in lies once in a while. Even true friends tell lies once in a while. But simply, why can't we all just be honest?

Lies hurt. They always do. But its ridiculous to lie about something ridiculous. It's ridiculous itself just to lie. Why lie, when you hurt somebody? I have little respect for liars. Little to none at all.

I see people get hurt everyday by lies. I see lies causing pain. Most of all , I see liars giving pain away effortlessly.

Nowadays, we're all so good at lying. Like that excuse you told your teacher for forgetting homework. She was gullible, she believed it. Its either we're getting craftier, or we're getting gullible. In this world, you can only trust one person. That is yourself. It is up to you to decide who to trust.

"Words are dirty. They betray us. They cannot be trusted. That is why we have music"-Sasha from Le Conzert
-Sam
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Daily Bugle:Sing

Today at a friend's house. He was accompanying three Church singers and was going to accompany them tonight at a Church. ( can I be more vague? )

One of them was a tall and dark middle aged woman from ( I think) Africa. She had dreadlocks neatly braided and kept in a bandana and she had a silky alto tone.

The other was a shorter adolescent with round eyes and black bobbed hair. And the last was a Senior man with glasses and a edgy voice (steven tyler) .

They sang Gospel Music. I don't know if it is gospel music or not but it was about Jesus. They sang Jesus Fragrant rose, I love the lamb of god, and a few others I can't remember.

I've never been to church before. I've never really heard christian music (save sweet child of mine by Guns and Roses).
Sistine Chapel


When they sang, it was amazing .They harmonize and they sang like I wasn't there. They sang like they were meant to sang. The love they feel in the music could be felt obviously. I was touched. Tho I didn't show, I was very very touched.

It was funny the way they discussed hastily about the arrangement of the music. And then suddenly singing again. It made me smile. It gave me a reason to smile for today.

I'm  a freethinker. I would love to go participate in church activity one day. It was obvious that they truly enjoyed. These three seemed like stress and problems don't exist. But we all know, that isn't true.

Here's a quote I saw today.


"You know you're in love, when you can't fall asleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams" -Dr.Seuss

Sam
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Daily Bugle:Senses

Logic. The first thing that have you understand is logic. It's the only way you can tell if something makes sense or not. Like frying eggs. Its logical to use oil to fry eggs. But is it logical to use Fragrance oil to fry eggs? It's still oil right?

When you've decisions to make. You go with the decision that you think is best for you now. The hardest things to make in life are decisions. Whether its simple or whether it changes lives, its hard either way. And logic, is there to make it harder.

You try to pick the decision that makes everyone happy. Either that, or you make a decision that won't change a thing. Sometimes, not making a decision , is already making a decision.



"One has to stand still for a moment , to see where one is and is going."

Sometimes you can't trust logic. Sometimes instincts are better. But how many sometimes would there be in a lifetime? Enough to let you learn what are the right choices to make?

Decisions are hardest when both of the choices are same. Like when you pick one, and its wrong, and you pick the others, and its still wrong. It doesn't matter which one you pick, but its hard to decide because either way, you don't wanna be wrong. ITs the same when both choices are correct. Its easy to decide, but it matters which one you pick, because correct in the wrong way, is different from being wrong in the right ways.

Decisions in my opinion are "Choices that cause pain,discomfort and loss of sense".

I mean, when picking ice cream. Chocolate or vanilla. It causes pain to just choose one. Because if you pick vanilla, you also want chocolate. And vice versa. Sometimes, you just wish you could pick all. Sometimes , you wish you didn't have to make a choice.

We know pain since birth. And crying because of pain is not a shameful thing.It's a sign you've been alive since birth. As a child, we cry from physical pain. As  we grow, physical changes to emotional. And sometimes, we just cry for no reason. We just cry. Like a balloon that has popped for no reason.

Pain is important. A painless life, is like a life with no warning. When I'm in pain, I tell myself to smile. Because smiles make smiles. And having smiles numbs the pain for long enough to prepare yourself. Sometimes, you just can't smile. Those times, you have to cry.

I've been thinking alot. I've been thinking how to think. I've been knowing how to think. I've regained my senses. But every senseful person, needs another person. To have their sense made.

My friends always tell me , I don't make sense sometimes. I don't blame them. I really don't make sense sometimes. But if you think about it. Why. How. It'll all be pieced together. We often just say or conclude the ending. Not knowing the middle at all. Its like building two islands amazing and stark. But having no bridge in between.


Its also like reading a book. And two paragraphs have absolutely no link at all. Two different stories and subjects.

Ungrateful people. Their the most irritating people in the world. When you try to do something nice for them and they turn out annoyed and mad. Really, attitude will determine where you end up in the future. Just throw ego away for a moment, be grateful for a moment, throw your laziness away and your bad mood. Don't bring your problems to your society. Bring it to the market.

Sam.
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Before sunrise:Forgiveness



"When deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive...Forgiveness does not change the past.But it does change the future"-Mary Karen Read
Sam
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Before sunrise:Sleep

Its when your brain shuts down and your train of thoughts are flying. Its when you sleep you feel great. Its when you sleep your troubles sort of fade away. Unless they're flying with your train of thoughts.

Everytime before I sleep, I think of so many things. What is and what is to be. What was and what could have been. How I wish I didn't think so much. But I know we should be grateful for the power of thoughts. But sometimes, Its overwhelming.

I really have no idea what I'm thinking right now. Just typing whatever pops up. This is me, most of the time, I've no idea what I'm thinking. Let alone why I'm thinking all these.

Scars are hearts. Hearts are scars. Hearts can be Scarred. Scars can become hearts.

kelvin's Heart scar
I don't know what I mean by that. But I'm sure its something you can relate to.

I find myself a whirl sometimes. Actually, all the times. I wish I was more stable. I guess this is growing up.

Sam
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Before Sunrise:It depends on how you look at it

Our thoughts, are more often called line of thoughts as they're continuous. And they're called Train of thoughts by my friends. The train leads to an endless path to an endless destination that would never be reached in our vast minds. Our minds are a universe. It's simply too big explore.



Depending on how you lived your life, there are dead parts, and living parts of your mind. The dead parts are where the horrible memories are and living parts are where your enjoyable memories are. If you were to recall something, you would be sitting on the train of thoughts to the destination of the memory. If you were to forget to say something you were about to say, your train of thoughts has been lost. As said by my friend.

Scientists say we use less than 10% of our brains till death. And that's the same to scientists themselves. A wide part of our minds are left undiscovered, untouched and unused at all. What a waste.

If we were to be blindfolded, and we were told to walk in a straight line. We would walk in circles, until we stop at where we started. Similarly, if you were to be locked up in a cell all alone for years. You're very likely to turn insane. Similarly, a train of thoughts without influence, is more likely to lead to negative thoughts and a fast moving train speeds it up.

If I was locked away from the world for three days. Negative thoughts swarm my mind. Because as I think and think and think, I think of all the possibilities. Negative seems to be more than positive. Everything has negative sides and positive sides, some has only negative sides , but nothing has only positive sides. But eventually, I become okay. I stop where I started. Because that's when I tell myself, I'm overthinking.

A little gesture from the outside world. Such as a smile, a handshake or a hug will change my train of thoughts. Usually care is a big influence. Whence we feel  cared, you start to worry less. As you know , these people are here for you.

And there's another thing called  day dreaming. When your train of thoughts explore every possible bit of your mind when you're awake. I can't seem to fully concentrate when an idea has been shown to me. I try to listen and understand but I catch myself most of the time lost in between. My thoughts running to somewhere. Most of the time, somewhere I long to be.

If we could browse our memories and live in worlds our dreams create. That'd be overwhelming. We deal with losses in the realistic world and similarly, we deal with gain.

I guess I just need to tell myself to be patient. Better put, stay patient. Don't let my thoughts run anywhere. They'd bring me to places I don't wanna be. It's basically mental kidnap, only you kidnap yourself, and only in your mind. Thoughts, they're really powerful.  I should think carefully next time.

Sam
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Daily bugle:Happy Mother's Day.

-HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY-

To my mother, Emily. For bringing me into this world and starting my treacherous path which I'm still on. I'll bring her pride and bring her kept promises.

I love you mom. 
Sam.


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Evening edition: Perception


Everything we know is given life in our minds. Our happiness, sorrow, fear, excitement and love. Their all born in our minds.


So the more you think, the more you are to concentrate your emotions and feelings. The less you think, the more diluted your emotions are.

Some emotions and feelings aren't even real. Like the fear of death. Are you really afraid of death, when all the times you've been wanting to die? Some emotions and feelings are real but for the non existent things. such as the fear of the dark. What is darkness, really its just a place without light. Its like saying you're afraid of nothing. And when there's nothing, you're afraid.



Is being in the dark really that scary? It is. Its not scary to be in that state, but scary to keep on moving in the dark. Because you have no idea whats ahead. You might step on a spike and hurt yourself. You might step on a spider and run and crash into something. In the end you're just afraid of getting hurt.

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. It's non existent. The pain lives only in the mind. Yet the mind is tormenting you every single day.

I found out, bitter and negative thoughts ferment in your head if you leave them be for too long. You've to let it out. It'd take over your mind if you keep it. You'll start breaking down.



Once you release it. You smile. You finally understand, someone else understands you now. Your burden has been split into two.

A person doesn't have to say it to show that the person cares. Lets say, She may not be telling you she cares. But deep inside, she would protect you with her life. She may not want to be around you, but she would like to surround you.


Pauline's really everything I got. I'm paranoid and insecure. When she smiles, it turns around. I'm  feeling like everything's right again. When it comes to her. I'm sensitive. I can't control it. It's the first time I've felt like this for someone. I'm not liking it, but I'm loving it.

-Sam
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Liutenant Retski

A pilot from Royal Brunei Airforces. A medium heighted man with a sort of bobble head. A nice clean and short hair cut well kept and a high forehead. He has hispanic skin color and emotional eyes. Often staring deep into you and just scanning your outershell. Thick lips and big ears.

He has a cordial tone of speaking making things interesting. Often having the spontaneous swing, leading on and on.

A friendly person. It's nice to have met him.
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Before Sunrise:We're only human

We humans, are bound to emotions. We're deemed, superior in the animal kingdom. Are we really superior? Why are we superior in the animal kingdom? Humans and animals are different. But are we really humans? Or are we just smart animals. Like monkeys and parrots.

Humans are animals. And we should treat animals like how we treat humans. (if you are a murderer, please disregard that line). We all can feel, and most of the times, we succumb to our emotions. And when we succumb, we become animals. Unable to control it.

So yesterday, I witnessed happiness. I gave my friend Sheena wee, a birthday surprise. I told her that me and Charlene would be going to her place to give her a tiny surprise. Well I told her I'll be giving her a mini recital. She believed and thought it wasn't that surprising anymore.

So At noon, I went out and bought a cake, and we all met up at where we were to meet. I wasn't the earliest. Christy was. Then it was Ho and Michael. Then it was Charlene. Then it was Chee Boon (whom we nearly forgotten about,sorry!). It seems the for nearly birthday occasion, one has to buy chocolate cake. I bought chocolate too, only to know it was cheese.



We planned to light the candles before going in the house, and we realized we had none! So we went to the nearest convenient store ( not so near at all) under the really hot sun. Sheena was in the dark about this. She had no idea a group of friends are coming to surprise her. As Christy was supposed to be in Miri, Ho supposed to be at his grandma's, Mike supposed to be at tuition, Charlene supposed to be at the hospital, Chee Boon supposed to be somewhere else and I had to be teaching piano.

After we acquired the lighter. We headed for her house. Once there we quickly unpack the cake and lit it up. It took a while as the wind was strong. Then the surprise was nearly ruined. Sheena's mother came down, saw us, and shouted up to her "Sheena , your friends are here!". We quickly explain the situation and she pointed out that she herself was shocked.

So we went in but the candles were quickly extinguished by the heavy fanning of the living room. We went to the kitchen and tried again. And we went up. Up to wear Sheena was. She was on the phone and it seems that she didn't hear her mother shout. When she saw us we sang the birthday song. A horribly out of tune, synchronization and rhythm song. She was jumping up and down, screaming "oh my god!" . She had atleast said it a hundred times. She went and blew the candles and proceeded to hug everyone while I went down to prepare the cake. Sheena cried. She cried. I think it's the first time someone ever cried in happiness for the things I've done.
 

I felt great. I've done something great. She had remembered the birthdays of everyone and bought cake for them all, its time we did something for her as well. That great feeling to see someone cry in joy, its like seeing your newborn for the first time.14 year in her life she has never cried in a birthday and it was her first.

We're all only human, and that day, we were all animals. We succumbed to happiness and stayed happy. Its simple. We can't control our emotions. We let them flow.

-Sam

A little information about Sheena and I. We used to hate each other. 5 years ago, when we were in Primary 6,we met. We hated each other like hell. I hated her because I don't know. I just hated her.

We competed and kept our hate silent until recently. In year 7, I disliked her. In year 8, she became my friend. My close friend. I trusted her. I became her so called granddad. We were pretty close. In year 10,we were like really granddaughter and granddad, I don't remember how that happened. But my kid probably did someone (I'm just kidding, I don't have kids).

What I'm saying is, you can see people relation change. And changes happen to people's relation. Overtime, it either builds up like a mountain, or erodes like a canyon, until a big gap is there.
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Before sunrise:Ambigramatic

Forget hate,Recall love.
No words to be said here. Read it upside down.

Sam.
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Daily bugle: Bollywood

Bollywood action movie
Great friends are ones that ones that let you do stupid things....On your own.
This photo was taken during a project this year at YOUSOF ELRASHID's home. We walked miles to get our project items. Sprinting back. So this photo was caught. The guy running with me is MUHAMMAD FAIZ.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to have these bunch of people. They're the one who molded me to who I am today. Without them, you probably wouldn't be reading this. It's ridiculous for me to explain what I would be like without them. It'd be like plants without sunlight, cars without fuel,diamonds without buyers, pianos without pianists. So I shan't bother explaining.

I'm now living a life without hate. I don't hate a thing at all. There maybe particular strong distastes and dislikes but I don't hate. But now I finally can say I hate. I hate the answer "I don't know". It's the world's bullshittest answer.

I hate hearing it. I get nothing. It implies nothing. It delays. It extracts. It cripples. How am I suppose to know what to think , what to do, if you keep fucking saying you don't know?


You've got me so disoriented. But I can't possible leave you. I really want you. The old you back. I'll take a leap of faith. I don't know. I really don't know. Thanks to you. But whatever.

Sam.
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Before Sunrise: On a train

I feel now I'm like a train. Without tracks. Without a conductor. But with all the energy in the world. I've a power , a motivation. But to nothing.

My parent's told me that life is about being happy. One day at school, the teachers asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said happy. The teachers told me that I didn't understand the question properly. I told them they didn't know the meaning of life. -John Lennon
Life is about being happy. My dad is telling me, without money , I won't be happy. Sure. But I have no need to be superfucking famous or superfucking rich. I just wanna live happy. I want to be superfucking famous and superfucking rich. But I just need happiness. 

Chinese language opens up a new door to me. It's not that I do not want to speak it. It's that I communicate better in English and that if I speak in Chinese you wouldn't understand a thing.

Sure there are certain correct ways to do things. But if I have my own ways, and it works better, why the fuck do I follow the correct way? Its like if you're stuck in a one way road, the only way back is out.

If the teacher drew a line on the white board and ,without touching or erasing the line, you're supposed to make it shorter. Suppose I'm not tall, but you're short. Therefore I'm tall when you're around. Suppose I'm not thin, but you're fat. Therefore I'm thin when you're around. Just like that, suppose the line is long, but there's a longer one. Therefore , the line became shorter.

There is no one way to anything but roads. Not even roads really. Going backwards and returning is different.

I have no words to say.

Sam.
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Before sunrise: Messed up

She's really got me messed up. Her signals are so mixed. I try to believe that she cares and that she still loves me. I think she does.

But sometimes, I just don't feel like she cares anymore. Sometimes, its like I don't exist at all. She hasn't told me anything at all. I feel like a stranger to her. I just don't feel her effort to make this relationship work.

I try to tell her indirectly. I try to tell her without hurting her. But I'm afraid I might push her away. She's the only thing I've got left now. She's starting to feel like she's not mine anymore.

I don't regret this relationship one bit. I love her, I'm lucky to have her. Maybe this is a situation to test us. I've even tried ignoring her to see if she cares. Just one day, I died inside. I couldn't bear not talking to her at all. Now I'm going to turn things around.


I've never felt so interested in the piano before. It's like magic struck me or something. Recently, I've been wanting to play the piano like crazy. It's the only place I can release. It's my favorite place to sit down and just let my fingers roll. When I'm done practicing, I listen to the music I create. That's my favorite part. Because it's such a free instrument, it's hard to stick to one criteria. It's easier if you interpreted it in your own will.

I've also noticed how care is important. I'm feeling everyone's care now. Honestly, I'm touched. My piano teacher's care. My swimming coach's care, My family's care. They all put in an effort to  see my smile. I try my best, do my best, and give them my best in return.

Really, I'm a lucky guy. I live in a home not bad at all. In an environment, decent. I guess some are luckier than others.

Sam
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Daily bugle: 200 Miles per hour

So right now I'm multitasking. Its a habit of mine. Chatting, while on a downloading spree, watching videos on youtube, doing my computer project and blogging.

We have like 19 chapter for our computer project and we're supposed to write a system, its due on July. Its been five months and I'm still stuck at chapter 6. Only one person in our class has finished. Some haven't even started. The main reason I'm only at 6 is because, I can't find time to do my project at home (except for today). And I only go to the project class once a week. And I've forgotten my pendrive for three weeks. And When I did bring it, the file was corrupted. So yeah, delay , delay ,delay. It was more of a procrastination thing. But then, we're rushing now. So what's the use.



There's so many things I wish would be. I wish that we could browse our memories. If we've forgotten anything, just go in to our memories and browse it. I want to browse mine to see the people I knew when I was young. Because they're all so different now. I wish we could manipulate time. Make the bad times go, and the good times come. Make the magical moments stay, rewrite our mistakes. But I guess that won't ever happen.

I also wish dreams had their own world. We'd live in two separate worlds. In our dreams and in reality. People do live dreams. I'm living mine, but it's like a living nightmare now. I had a strange dream last night. It was about discrimination. So this post goes out to a friend of mine. His name is Christian Marc.

He's from the Philippines and he studies in a Chinese school in Brunei. He faces racism and discrimination every single day. Well racism is a form of discrimination. He talks to me about his problems. I can say, its quite tough for him. But he's lived with it for 10 years. He can even speak Chinese. He's still strong. He's still head up living high. Like nobody's business, he's not giving a fuck.

In my dream, it was about him (not that I'm gay). People were discriminating him, criticizing him, bullying him. And I said something to them in my dream.

"We're all only human. We're all born without our controls. Its not our fault we're chinese, or pinoy or whatever. If you discriminate someone because their skin color is different, you can go rot in hell. What is the problem with being Pinoy? We think the same, we look the same even. Is it jealousy ? Think about the next time someone discriminates you because you're Chinese. How'd that feel? "
I think I said that. I can't really remember. I don't really know if I said that or not. I'm pretty sure I did.

There's also nothing wrong with being gay. Sure its disgusting to you, but there's nothing wrong at all with two men in love. Same to lesbians.

Anyways, last night was our school's Generation Dance finals. I wanted to watch , but it was my father's birthday , and I had lessons.

My father is an awesome person I tell you. No other words are needed.

That is all. Thank you :D

Sam
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Before Sunrise:Music fest

I didn't know the outcome of our school's music fest. Or maybe it wasn't determined yet. Most of them were better than average. Some of them suck. A few of them was awesome.

I watched the Royal Wedding yesterday. All I've got to say is, Wow. That's a huge ass beautiful wedding. One lucky girl, one lucky prince. In westminster abbey. It's gotta be the wedding of the decade.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm an attention seeker. Maybe I am. But I only seek her attention. For the past few months, its been cold. Maybe I'm overthinking. But it wasn't like this during the first few months of the year. It's making me feel terrible. I've not a clue of what to do. I wanna show her that something's wrong but I don't want her to worry. I wanna show her,for her I'd handle anything but she won't notice if I make it seem fine.

Seriously, my thoughts kill. They're pointing to my brain with revolvers and knives. Maybe all I wanted was just her care. I was so used to being cared by her. I guess I have to get used to changes. I try my best not to think about it, but it's really all I can think about. I miss her. Its time with her I need. Just time will fix this up. For now, I've no idea.

I sprained my right ankle. I don't know how I will swim tomorrow. But I know it will be hardcore. Oh wells,  I end this short thought.

Sam
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Daily Bugle: 100th

I love my friends. Today, I was down. They bought me chocolate. I didn't thought they'd bother to spend. It's the first time in my life someone bought me chocolate because I was down. It definitely made me better. Chocolate's definitely my remedy for depression.

The scene of my friends arguing around me puts a smile on my face. I love them. Thanks for cheering me up today Lee, Laila, Yousof, Faiz,Liyana, Arinah and Chee Boon.

100th post anyways.
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Before Sunrise: Song without words

So last night I wrote a poem (that doesn't really rhyme) without a single verb! Well I think its technically correct.

"There is a girl, she has a beautiful smile,
She has long wavy hair and eyes of the wild.
Every single minute, she's always on my mind,
Every single day, in my heart is where she is.
A long time ago,we're both only strangers,
now things are different,we're both already lovers.
Time, such a fast thing it is,
by the next second, no more, that's what it is.

Like a rose that has much thorns,
pain and despair will be there,
however it has impeccable beauty,
one that is definitely desirable.

She is my world,she is my life,
both of us we're like a knife.
Problems are no more,
when it itself is such a bore.

This beautiful girl, that of mine,
she is a woman who is incredibly fine.
Forever more she is my love,
we're like a pair of birds, maybe a pair of doves."

I guess that's right. Doesn't really rhyme, doesn't really makes sense. But whatever. I forget what the structure is called. Stuff without verbs, hmmm. It was mentioned OMG-Facts! before.

Sometimes our minds are like water. Its best to leave it calm. I guess that's me. You  either ripple it in a nice wave , or you get swish-swoshled around. 

June is coming, I'm not actually feeling the pressure, but I can see the urgency of this KK music festival. I can see how I'm not playing that at all well, I can see how I haven't even finished learning my toccata! AND I HAVE To achieve all golds. Pressure? I don't think so.

-Sam
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Before Sunrise: Manners, Manners

What is with our younger generation?! They're so fucking rude. I mean, the way they treat everyone but their friends like rubbish. Sometimes, their rude even to their friends!

One day after my school practicals. Which was around 4.30 PM. Me and my friends were just at the front office benches sitting around. Just so happen our faces were tilted to the direction of the entrance to the office. And a bunch of kids came out. I don't know what the hell they did, one boy was injured.You know how the fuck they respond?

They flipped us the middle finger and said "Fuck you, Stop looking!"

Middle finger to you fuckers too!
First of all, how the hell could you get injured in school, during school hours? What the hell have you been doing? Why are there a bunch of kids following you? Are you that much of a pussy you can't go alone? I tell you, 6 kids were following this injured boy. ALL of them sweared at us for coincidentally facing the office. We wouldn't even look if you came out with the sign "LOOK HERE".

So I let go of that. ( well not really, I'm still kinda pissed). The other day after my practicals (practicals are afternoon and our juniors have school in the afternoon). I was just standing by the basketball court, then my sister ran towards me(she too lacked manners). She just slapped my stomach and said "Borrow lab coat! ". I'm not lending my lab coat to such a rude kid! Then she said "My friends need it! Give it to me!". Then her friend added "Yeah, Don't be such a spoiled person and lend it to her already!Be a good brother!"

Woah, woah, woah. Good brother? Be a good sister. Learn your manners. There something called "Please and thank you". You don't slap someone in the stomach to show that you want to borrow a goddamned coat!

And another day, when I have to go home with my sister. I was waiting by the fencings. My sister was there too and I asked one of her friend to come over (apparently it was her crush). I just looked at him. He started squirming and said "what?! I didn't do anything wrong! What the hell do you want from me? Leave me alone douche!"

The reaction of a thief. I didn't say you do anything wrong. He just failed the first test of manners. I want the fucking manners from you. Their so many instances similar to this. I can tell you, almost THE WHOLE LOWER SECONDARY is like that. Wait, THE WHOLE FIRST YEARS.

And my sister fucking date jerks! Stupid, unsociable, rude, unruly, short, irresponsible and ugly maniacs! The first one made her believe in UFO's , demons, spirits and all these supernatural bullshit. The second one made her believe that all Bruneians were Caucasians or something. The third one made her think that holding hands for three minutes, was one hell of an achievement!

Goddamn it! Immature brat. Holding hands for three minutes is not a goddamn achievement. You can hold anyone elses hand you like for three minutes! I have a girlfriend and I held someone elses hand so she'd feel warmer. I hold hands with girls and guys everyday. Is that an achievement?

The thing is, the statuses she put on facebook. "I would never let you go", " I just want to be with you" etcetc. THREE WEEKS LATER, she dumps the guy, and goes for another. And the same exact thing happens! Girl, keep your statuses to yourself , because it seems like nobody can keep it. I don't fucking care, we don't fucking care, if forever to you is three weeks, atleast respect yourself and stop embarrassing yourself in public.

Who am I to say right? I'm in a relationship too.I'm probably just as immature. But I respect love. I don't treat love like its something easy to get. The time period between my current girlfriend,and my ex. A year. A year before I promised myself not to be in a relationship till I grow older, and away from this country. But love had to hit, I was magnetized.

Don't people teach respect in school anymore?

My sister treats my parents with very little respect aswell. She laughs at all their scorn , ON PURPOSE. She make puns from their scorn, IN FRONT OF THEIR FACES. She pretends she's the perfect person and won't accept their scolding.

Our parents, they tell us many things. Its not always correct, but their intentions are 110% for our good. They want nothing else but for our happiness. Sometimes, they say things hard, and we can't accept it. I've learnt to accept everything they say now. Without scorn or hate.Maybe a few thoughts in my head, but nothing harmful.

I realized what they say, makes sense after a big mistake occurs. What they say, could save me from the next mistake I make. The problem is their presentation. They sometimes present themselves as hostile and sarcastic gods. I can't blame those who rebel against them. It seems unfriendly. But look through that, don't be shallow.

They said I rush. People said I rush. Teachers said I rush. Well let me tell you one thing, I don't like to rush, Infact, I hate rushing. I just like my things faster than normal.

So I was just talking with my parents yesterday, I learnt alot of weird facts about myself when I was a newborn!

  1. I was nearly born in my dad's BMW.
  2. I salivated a lot. On beach walks, as a breeze came by, it'd deposit sand all over my face.
  3. I like to poke people's noses randomly.
  4. I'd rock myself to sleep on a hammock if no one had the time to rock me to sleep.
  5. I rarely cried for attention.
  6. I didn't say bye to my mum on the first day of school!

When I was in elementary school. I was bullied alot. I was cut, bullied, harassed, sabotaged, threatened, extorted and used. It happened every week ,every year of my primary school. I resorted to books.

Now I could stand up for myself, and I resort to music.

Don't let people get the better of you, you have better things to do.

-Sam